My latest imitation obsession? Claire Foy in The Crown.
Since binge watching season 2, I've been darting my eyes, pursing my lips, speaking in accents, and repeatedly declaring "how on earth can you forgive yourself?" Claire Foy's performance inspires me to be a great actress - to be on screen or on stage or anywhere that I could move people in the way this show moved me. Yet, her performance also inspires me to be Queen Elizabeth. Here is a woman of power and grace who managed to maintain English pride as the empire crumbled to pieces. Here is a woman who does not know how to communicate with her husband which is so frustrating to watch but oh my goodness I still want to be her. I want to look as thoughtful yet fretful as I move my eyes up and down and side to side. I want to achieve great things. I want to be so desperately in love with someone and so afraid of losing him that I can't even express my love to him. I want little defining idiosyncrasies and ticks that people will notice and imitate in their bathroom mirrors.
If imitation is the highest form of flattery, Claire Foy and the queen herself should be very flattered. Yet while imitation might mean I admire them, couldn't it also reflect a deep longing on my part to be imitated, too? Because if I am imitated, that means someone has paid close attention, and if someone pays close attention, it means they care.
Attention and love. "Don't you think maybe they are the same thing?" Sister Sarah Joan says in Lady Bird.
Perhaps imitating The Crown reveals some insecurities on my part - some oddities, certainly. Perhaps my desire to be noticed is shallow and self-absorbed. Or perhaps, it is a basic human desire that we all need to admit to once in a while. "You can look this way," Prince Philip says to Elizabeth when she claims she can look the other way if he needs to carry on extramarital affairs. "I'm saying I don't want you to," he insists. What happens when a person does not get the love and attention one needs? We can all come up with a hundred unfortunate answers to that question; Elizabeth and Philip's tense relationship is just one of them.
Yes, I want to be noticed and I want to be loved by another; I want someone to "look this way;" but perhaps I actually need to look my own way. It is so easy (and fun) to admire and imitate and want to be someone else, but what is there about me that is worth noticing, worth imitating? What ticks do I have? What are the looks, and gesticulations, and pronunciations, and triumphs, and foibles that make me, me? There has to be something about each of us worth noticing because there is something about each of us worth loving. If we cannot notice and love ourselves, and thus see ourselves as worthy of love, we will never be satisfied by another person's love. Yet, we are made in and for and by love. Jesus says, "Are you not five sparrows sold for two small coins? Yet not one of them has escaped the notice of God. Even the hairs of your head have all been counted. Do not be afraid. You are worth more than many sparrows." (Luke 12:6-7) If God, who has the entire world and all creation to constantly think about, can notice and love us, then how can we not show ourselves the same love, and not expect it of others?
Here's a challenge: Notice yourself this week. Pay attention to five things that make you, you.
Love and attention are written in our very nature. What we need to do is stop looking the other way.
Image: Netflix
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