Fear of Settling? Find a Friend

Most of us have had to decide whether to move forward in a romantic relationship. Whether you have been on 3 dates or been together 3 years, at some point you always have to assess if this is the "right" person for you. This can be a really difficult assessment to make for some, for others, easy as pie -"Oh I just knew I was going to marry your father!" As a culture, we have two positions that complicate making this choice: the "Disney" complex and the "Don't Settle" complex. The expectations of these positions can make dating fraught with anxiety and filled with pressures beyond who will be putting dinner on the table.

The Disney Complex

Where my girls at?
Photo copyright: JLinsky

Gone are the days when we can sit around and sing "Someday My Prince Will Come." While Cinderella, Aurora, and Snow White led quiet lives of essential solitude to then suddenly meet perfect men, most people recognize that is not going to happen. But more than that, they argue it should not happen. With rants about agency, they say that these women set unreasonable expectations as examples for young girls and women. Romantic ideals do not exist in real life. We should not be fooled that a prince will come and sweep us off our feet, or that princes even exist for anyone except Kate Middleton. Women need to take control of their own lives, and they certainly don't need any man to help them. 

The Don't Settle Complex

Emma Woodhouse prevents Harriet Smith from "settling" for 
Robert Martin.  copyright: fanpop

On the other hand, while we have been bashing princes, we are also emphasizing that a woman (or man) should never settle. This can be a really helpful viewpoint in many respects; a person should not sacrifice their major beliefs or ideals for someone who is not going to be an equal partner with them, who will help provide and care for them. However, this stance can be taken too far and actually just bring paralysis and anxiety. With dating being more of a game than ever before, looking for the "right" person who fits every single one of your requirements because you "can't settle" brings enormous pressure. Despite our cultural encouragement of agency and independence, we still have managed to romanticize marriage (or partnership) with the pressure of perfection. At the heart, we still want to believe the prince is out there, only we as women can now look for him rather than wait for him to find us. We will not settle for the first man who comes our way and shows interest, but will find the man who possesses every characteristic we've deemed vital to our happiness.

Best Friend or Partner?

#goals

As a culture, we have somehow formed this idea that our spouse/significant other/partner/whatever should be our best friend, that we should share everything with them. We should have the same hobbies, the same humor, the same facial structure. Our reaction to loveless marriages of the past has gone so far the other direction that now romantic love provides all a person needs. We have formed an idea of love that is heavy with expectation.

This pressure on partnership is no surprise in an increasingly isolated world. In an age where most of us don't know our neighbors, don't go to church, don't bowl in a league, but do sit at a computer all day, do come home and watch Netflix, do travel, it is easy to see where the primacy of one person comes into play. One person is easier to travel with, a constant companion; one person will watch the same show as you; one person will be there at night when you get home late from work and just want to share a laugh and a beer. Many of us are displaced from our roots. We live in a different place than our families, than our childhood friends, than even our college friends. At some point, making new friends again and again can be exhausting. At some point, it is easier to just settle on knowing you have friends, they just aren't where you are, and that's fine because there is always skype. At some point, finding one person who can supply all your social needs and romantic needs seems easier than building a whole new entourage of people.

But there's the rub: it's not, as anyone in the mires of the dating world can attest to. And more than that, it simply is not fair to any individual person to bear the weight and responsibility of being everything  to someone. Frankly, it is not natural either. According to C.S. Lewis, there are four loves, and friendship is one of them. For Lewis, friendship is being able to share a profound interest, and have a relationship free of pressures. This is a humorously 20th century British male perspective, but I think he has a point. We all need a space where we can share something in common with another person. If you like to go to history talks, but your spouse does not, just find someone who does to go with you. Your spouse can't possibly be the friend for every single interest you have.

The Call for Companionship

Governesses make the best of friends

Jane Austen understood this all very well. In Emma, Mrs. Weston tells Mr. Knightley "perhaps no man can be a good judge of the comfort a woman feels in the society of one of her own sex." Formerly, people seemed to recognize the real need for platonic companionship. As (over-)reactionary beings, we push back at the isolation of women as a whole with the isolation of ourselves from the whole. We can be "one of the boys" and be perfectly happy with our male partner as our best friend. But there is a beauty in and true need for female companionship in our lives that no man can supply, nor should he be expected to. 

In Sense and Sensibility, Marianne Dashwood could be seen as settling for Colonel Brandon. After all, she spends most of the novel disgusted at the idea of his attentions and mooning over her ideal, Willoughby. Why would she settle for wealthy, old Colonel Brandon when she can have the passion and poetry of Willoughby? With Willoughby, Marianne assessed him much like dating today. She put out all her interests, dreams, and passions on the first date, and he shared them. Best friend: Check! But where he has charisma he lacks character, and their love affair disintegrates. Brandon, on the other hand, teaches Marianne what a worthy husband should actually look like - one who cares for her well-being, her betterment, and her family. They do share common interests, but those interests are not the determining factors. Additionally, Marianne is now secure enough in herself and in her other relationships, to know that she is not "settling" for something less than perfection. She is getting exactly what she needs.

Man or woman - we should not settle for someone who is not right for us, and we should take some amount of agency over the course of our lives. But, we need to do so knowing that "right for us" should not constitute sharing the checklist of every aspect of us. Man or woman - we need to allow for friendship and companionship to still play a vital role in our lives, to allow for our partnership to truly function and flourish, free from the pressures of perfection and the fear of settling.